Divorce Communication Tips: How to Keep Conversations Calm and Productive

Communicating with a spouse during divorce proceedings can be challenging at best, and downright disastrous at worst. Emotions tend to run high on both sides, making it difficult to get your point across or to hear what the other person is trying to say.

Yet there are few times when communication is more critical than during a divorce or its aftermath. Effective communication helps you reach resolution on disputed issues like child custody, division of property, and alimony. Unhealthy communication fuels conflict, which makes the divorce process longer and your legal bills higher.

It also damages what remains of your goodwill toward one another, which is a big problem if you will have to co-parent with your ex-spouse. If you do have minor children together, it’s virtually certain that they will pick up on the tension between you and be stressed out by it.

With so much riding on the quality of communication in divorce, you would think everyone would make the effort to keep calm and communicate clearly. Of course, that’s much easier said than done!

Ten Tips for Effective Divorce Communication

Good communication is intentional, and it takes work. Here are some tips to help you succeed in communicating with your spouse during divorce.

Remember why you’re communicating (and why you’re not).

Communicating during divorce is usually for one of a couple of reasons: to reach agreement on an area of dispute, or to discuss logistics or your children’s needs. You are not communicating to punish your spouse or to win a point (or at least you shouldn’t be).

It may seem obvious, but keeping the goal of your divorce communication top of mind is helpful. Before you say something, ask yourself, “Is saying this, or saying it in this way, likely to advance my real goal?” If not, don’t speak, or rephrase what you were going to say.

Take a beat before responding.

Communicating in divorce is a marathon, not a sprint; you don’t have to respond immediately to everything your spouse says, and it’s often better if you don’t. Especially if you feel anger or defensiveness bubbling to the surface, give yourself time to respond thoughtfully, rather than react viscerally.

Limit unnecessary communication.

If you feel your gut churning every time you hear your spouse’s voice, it makes sense to limit the occasions where you have to do that. Text or email, which gives you time to consider your response before sending it. Better still, use a co-parenting app. Our Family Wizard is probably the best known, but there are several good options.

Not only do these apps require communicating in writing (so you can see your words in black and white), but you can’t typically delete the messages (which is likely to make you think twice before sending something you wouldn’t want a court or opposing counsel to see).

Focus on the present and future; don’t relitigate the past.

Divorce communication is about navigating the transition you are going through and figuring out what the next chapter will look like. It can be so tempting to bring up things your spouse has done wrong throughout your marriage, but resist that temptation. It will make them angry or defensive, and it won’t change their behavior. It’s likely to make them dredge up your old sins (real or imagined). Either way, it’s not productive, so don’t go there.

Choose your words carefully.

There are many different ways to say the same thing; some work better than others. Let’s say your child has a busy schedule for the upcoming week and you’re worried about your spouse dropping the ball. Asking your spouse, “What are your thoughts on the best way to get Alex to all his events on time next week?” is more likely to elicit cooperation than “Alex has Scouts on Monday, band concert on Tuesday, and soccer on Thursday and Saturday; try not to be late like you always do.”

Find things to appreciate out loud.

It’s human nature: we wither when criticized (even justly), and we blossom when our efforts are recognized. Guess which approach makes people want to keep doing better? You may have to dig deep to find something positive to say to your spouse. But occasional sincere appreciation for something they’re doing well (even if it’s no more than they should be doing, like getting a child to soccer practice on time) will make divorce communication more pleasant and less fraught than a torrent of constant complaints.

Don’t communicate through your children.

If you’re trying to minimize directly communicating with a spouse during divorce, it can be tempting to pass messages back and forth through your children. Put simply, that is a terrible idea. It puts a practical and emotional burden on children that shouldn’t be their responsibility. Do not ask them to pass messages, or even worse, report on what the other parent is doing.

Think of your spouse as a coworker.

You and your spouse used to relate to each other as romantic partners. With the filing of divorce papers, the nature of your relationship has changed. It may help to think of your spouse as a (sometimes difficult) coworker with whom you must work on an important project: unwinding your marriage, and co-parenting your children together going forward. You wouldn’t berate a coworker or deliberately sabotage them; you would try to remain calm, professional, and resolution-oriented. Try that with your spouse in communication during divorce.

Set and honor boundaries.

One of the best quotes we’ve ever heard is, “Just because someone invites you to an argument doesn’t mean you have to attend.” If you are trying to communicate with your spouse and they become angry or refuse to engage respectfully, it’s okay to say, “It’s not productive for us to talk right now; let’s pick this back up when you’re more calm. I’m leaving this conversation now.” Then do it, as many times as necessary.

Boundaries are not telling your spouse what they can do (“You can’t talk to me like that!”). That’s something you can’t control. A boundary is something you can control, like, “If you continue to raise your voice to me, I will need to end this conversation.” Remember that boundaries are only effective if consistently enforced, so don’t set a boundary if you’re not willing to follow through.

Get help communicating.

Communication during divorce is crucial, but let’s face it: it’s hard. It’s more important to do it well than to do it without help. There’s no shame in communicating through your attorneys, particularly about the terms of a divorce settlement.

It may also be helpful to involve a third party, such as a mediator, to facilitate communication in divorce. A neutral mediator works with you and your spouse to help you reach your own resolutions to disputed issues. Not only can a mediator keep divorce communication more calm and productive, but the experience may set you and your spouse up for more effective communication patterns after your divorce.

Take the First Step Toward Better Communication in Divorce

Making the effort to communicate more effectively will pay off for you, your spouse, and most importantly, any children you share.